So close...

Yesterday I mailed out a disc of pictures - a representative bunch of photographs of our lives together - to the agency. It was almost cripplingly difficult to choose, and I hated it. I'm a photographer, why was this so hard?

For a lot of reasons. First being, I really am rarely on the other side of the camera, so pictures of Ben and Adeline and myself together are really rare, so rare that we had to quick take some for this project. Second being, I am picky as heck, and am sort of a control freak about photographs that pass through my hands. Third, the awareness that these will be what decides our fate in all reality. Someone will look at them and choose us, or not.

But I did it, I released that envelope into the mail, and hopefully very soon the graphic designer at the agency will combine the pictures and our written profile into a masterpiece that reflects our family well.

The last piece to be sent off is the completed homestudy report and a million supporting documents. And of course, some initial big checks. Yikes. That should be completed by tomorrow.

I think we are both starting to feel the realness of this, knowing that we really are reaching the point where we just wait, where any phone call might mean THE phone call. It's intense. I recall the feelings I had when we were newly pregnant with Adeline. She was conceived on purpose, planned, hoped for. And then when we actually discovered we were pregnant I walked around with a frightened monkey grin on my face for a few days. I had regrets about how we had suddenly put ourselves in a position where we were irrevocably changing our lives in an enormous way. That Ben and I were no longer go to be a the happy duo, that there would be someone new and unknown entering our little bubble. But then, at five weeks, when I had spotting with her, when we thought that we were losing that unknown little person, we felt terrible despair.

And now, after 4 years - 4 YEARS - of trying to bring another into our family, we are at a place where it looks like it really is going to happen. And I feel afraid. What will our family be like as a square instead of a triangle? A roller coaster, this whole creation thing. But how can we not feel afraid?

I feel some of those feelings - fear, excitement, worry, doubts - but they are all being overridden by huge bucketfuls of hope. We have been longing for this child for so so long, and I can't wait to lay eyes on his or her sweet face. To say welcome to our family. To start the good (and hard) part, the actual parenting, the growing from a family of three to a family of four. The sleeplessness and poop and spit up, and memorizing a new soul's face.